How To Dress Like An Anti-Vaxxer
I think we can all safely agree that the view that vaccines are dangerous can pretty much be ruled out as insane. Science has proven time and again that vaccines have aided in the eradication of life-threatening viruses and diseases that were once a rampant plague across the populace of the Earth. Despite the seemingly obvious benefits to mass vaccination, there remains among us a cluster of ill-informed morons who cling to the idea that vaccines are harmful and should not be administered to their children.
Worry not, because The Woke Feminist is here to set the record straight: NO, vaccines do not cause autism. NO, the flu shot does not give you the flu. NO, pharmaceutical companies do not make large profits on vaccines. This is common sense (or so an educated person would think), but alas, not everyone is as intelligent as we would hope.
Enter anti-vaxxers.
The anti-vaxxer is an enigma. They come in all shapes and sizes and tout their conspiracy nonsense about "Big Pharma" dictating how citizens must live their lives, citing such far-fetched science fiction concepts as microscopic computer chips being implanted subdermally via your annual flu shot, so the government can keep tabs on you. And read your mind. You see where I am going with this? Anti-vaxxers are dangerous to society because their lies are forcing more and more gullible people to investigate the potential dangers of vaccines, thus spreading false awareness and, ultimately, more disease.
People like this ought to be easily identifiable, so at the very least we can avoid them. So, anti-vaxxers, listen up. I have put together a list of clothing and accessories that you can wear to flaunt your stupid anti-vaccine beliefs. This way, no one will have to second guess your level of intelligence. So go ahead, tell it like it is!
Here's how to dress like an anti-vaxxer in 2019:
The Target Practice Tee
The perfect addition to any anti-vaxxer's wardrobe. You cannot go wrong with a shirt that tells the world exactly where to aim. Next time you are strolling through the park, everyone won't have any doubts about where to toss their garbage. Make a game of it! Charge people a nickel to throw their apple core at you and if they hit the bullseye, skip down to your local doctor's office and get a vaccine. That's fair, right? Available in both men's and women's sizes. View product on Amazon: https://amzn.to/2HIsGvTThe See-No-Science Blindfold
Who wants to read silly scientific evidence proving that vaccines are safe? Nope, what a waste of time that would be. Wouldn't want your precious anti-vaccine idiology to be threatened by accidentally reading a CDC study demonstrating vaccine effectiveness and safety. Worry not, we have a blindfold that you might be interested in!
View product on Amazon: https://amzn.to/2Wp8Hp5
Truth-Cancelling Headphones
Say what? Nest time you open your big, stupid mouth and spout your anti-vaxx nonsense, you will no longer have to worry about upholding an argument with someone who knows far greater than you do about how vaccines are actually safe for children and adults alike. You know the situation: you casually mention your anti-vaxx proclivity in public and then you are immediately lambasted six ways from Sunday by a Harvard doctor, and you, tail tucked firmly between your legs, wish you could disappear. Well now, thankfully you don't have to worry about hearing any kind of truth whatsoever with these truth-cancelling headphones! Crank up the latest Alex Jones podcast and simmer in your ignorance. You heard it here first! (or did you?)
View product on Amazon: https://amzn.to/2OtUZ1w
Freedom of Choice Belt
It is your God-given right to be as stupid as you want (though it shouldn't be). The world is a scary place, full of so many dangerous, harmful, toxic vaccines. Who would want to subject a child to this torment? Take note: mandatory vaccination for your children is required in most schools nowadays. To avoid this problem? Simply don't have kids. This chastity belt will ensure that anti-vaxxers everywhere will never have to worry about vaccinating their non-existent children. View product on Amazon: https://amzn.to/2HJXXyw
Semen-Reduction Pants
Guys, this one is for you. Anti-vaxxer men the world over are raving about the effective power of these ball-squashing jeans! For reasons stated above, you will no longer have to worry about what to say to your doctor when you go to take your future kid for their checkup and they start questioning you about your anti-vaxx beliefs. There won't be any kids anytime soon if these super-tight pants can help it! Buy yours today. View product on Amazon: https://amzn.to/2OwtHrc
The "Smarter Than a Doctor" Crown
No person ignorant of the facts will ever accost you again with their silly proof about vaccine safety and effectiveness. They will take one look at your glistening crown and immediately realize that they are looking at a bonafide know-it-all who has little use for scientific research. Don't be surprised if they bow down before you as if you were some sort of anti-vaxxer demigod. All hail the King of the Brainless!
View product on Amazon: https://amzn.to/2JJxIKj
Anti-Vaxxer Bible
No anti-vaxxer makeover would be complete without an accessory to tuck under their arm as they stroll down the sidewalk with their nose pointed arrogantly towards the chemtrail-covered sky. The conspiracy theorist David Icke is a favorite amongst the anti-vaxxer movement, researching extensively into not only the lesser-known underside of the pharmaceutical industry but also such crazy concepts as humanoid reptilians controlling the world through child sacrifice. Yup, I am not kidding. All of this and more is discussed in Mr. Icke's research. Who wouldn't want to check that out? Forget science, let's take a trip down the conspiracy rabbit hole and see what kind of wacky ideas are lying at the bottom! View product on Amazon: https://amzn.to/2TYuWFP
The "When to Go Home" Watch
When you are an anti-vaxxer, leaving the house could be a problem. Everyone — literally everyone — hates you. It's the proverbial "you against the world" situation. So why go through the trouble? If you are the type of anti-vaxxer who needs to keep track of when the best time would be to turn around and head back to your mom's basement, this watch has got you covered. It's unisex, so idiots of every gender will never have to worry again about when to do the world a favor and disappear.
View product on Amazon: https://amzn.to/2WpnXCk
Conclusion
As a feminist, I strongly uphold the belief that one can choose to dress however they want, and should do so under the assumption that their stylistic decisions need not be reason to worry about a sane society passing judgment upon them.
Alas, our society is not as sane as we think, all thanks to, ironically enough, the anti-vaxxer faction of humanity that should take it upon themselves to wear the above items to brand themselves proudly as "anti-vaxxers."
One's clothing choices could benefit the greater good, should said individual be of the anti-vaxxer breed. By adhering to the above guidlines, one can both fully embrace their anti-vaccine (anti)mentality and alert the rest of the population that, as an anti-vaxxer, their presence ought to be carefully and perpetually avoided.
After all, we wouldn't want to accidentally give them the flu.
Alas, our society is not as sane as we think, all thanks to, ironically enough, the anti-vaxxer faction of humanity that should take it upon themselves to wear the above items to brand themselves proudly as "anti-vaxxers."
One's clothing choices could benefit the greater good, should said individual be of the anti-vaxxer breed. By adhering to the above guidlines, one can both fully embrace their anti-vaccine (anti)mentality and alert the rest of the population that, as an anti-vaxxer, their presence ought to be carefully and perpetually avoided.
After all, we wouldn't want to accidentally give them the flu.
—S
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